Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   Sex after 60 is like playing pool with a rope

   Sometimes I wish Whoop-ass came in a spray bottle instead of a can.

   Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

   whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?

   I hear they're making a remake of the Never Ending Story. It starts with a man asking a woman how her day was.

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   Yay! Now I can go back to saying the word "Soccer" without some pretentious fan reminding me that it's referred to as "Football" in other parts of the world.

   To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you. You've got my Word.