Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.

   Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.

   rip willy wonka

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.

   Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.

   Whatever you do in this life, you should always give it 100 percent, unless you're donating blood.

   Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   My Great Great Great Grandfather Alex Would have turned 176 years old today. Please be aware of the dangers of Civil Wars.

   Like my Pappy always said: If you're going to do something, do it rihgt.

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows