Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me! 
In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.
I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!
Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.
The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.
I always try to keep a good Facebook profile picture of myself. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
Does eating Tide Pods take skid marks out of underwear? Asking for a friend...
I guess I should watch the Grammys to see who our next President will be.
I have a midget friend. He's epileptic and makes pizzas for a living. I call him "Little Seizures." I'm going to hell.
The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the AXE because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers
Ghosts be like "I'm evil, I've been here for hundreds of years and you should be terrified. And the best example of my fearsome power will be to close this door a little bit."
After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble
not a single treat or treater walked behind my building and up 38 steps to my apartment....oh well, I guess that's 6 more cans of cream of mushroom soup for me!
If Hillary gets a pardon, General Petraeus , who Ive been hearing about everyday for the last 6 months better damn well get one too!
Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.
The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.
"You're not fat darling, it’s just that you’re… very easy to see." 