Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

   I like seeing people with no mask or gloves on. Just raw doggin' life

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   me: sorry but I just can’t sugarcoat this my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

   If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.

   I know I'm ugly and I got no right to ask but please..... Send nudes

   Ya'll ever be laying with somebody and try to breathe like them and almost die?

   "Dora the Explorer" only rhymes when somebody from Boston says it.

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar

   I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

   My new motto is "Get drunk or try dying!"

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   When I'm struggling to pull on a turtleneck I start to worry what the world will be like when I get to the other side.

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   "Autographed Lorena Bobbitt stake knive set for sale $19.95"

   A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.