Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

   If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   My idea Black Friday is deleting everyone from my friends list who sent me a mass Happy Thanksgiving day meme yesterday.

   You know you are a VW bus owner if part of your household budget includes a "Bus needs" section.

   The week between Christmas and New Year's should be called "Taint Week".

   As a Grandparent, my only New Year's resolution is to give less than 30% of my salary in 2020 to the Disney Corporation.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.