Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   The atmosphere at the Superbowl must have been absolutely electric! Oh wait.....

   not single; is just waiting for his girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

   All countries have the Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.

   Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

   If Hillary is indicted and charged with a Felony after she won the election ... Would she then be considered under "White House Arrest?"

   Man found hanged in his flat, 8 years after committing suicide. Sort of proves his point, really.......

   To any of my single Lady friends, if your wish to have me naked for Christmas, private message me. Thanks.

   Yet another celebrity death in 2016. RIP Mariah Carey's career!

   Eating pork chops with mohammad

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left