santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   Spent too much money over Christmas so tonight I'm going to party like its $19.99

   I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.

   I don't care what you say. Arbor Day and Christmas are cousins.

   Fyi: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm gonna need that back.

   Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?

   For those who are upset when they see the word Xmas, just know that the Old English word (12th Century) for Christmas begins with X. The Greek word for Christ (which the English word derives) begins with the Greek letter "chi", or X. So its use is proper

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   wondering why unemployment didn't find it funny when I sent them a bill for overtime due to excessive hours of job searching on weekends, nights and holidays.

   I'm dreaming of a 90 degree Christmas

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   My coworker, a Jehovah's Witness,, wouldn't attend the Christmas luncheon.. She took her bonus check though,, Maybe she's donating it to her church.

   Dear Santa, could you please tell me the meaning of "GOOD"? I'm a little confused of which list I'm on.......

   Dear Santa, I've been a naughty girl all year long, and it was worth it you judgemental fat ba$tard!

   please don't get your last minute presents from a gas station. If you do rembe Grandma gets the candy or the beef jerky not the condoms. Don't ask me how I know this.

   Ladies, you're running out of time to hump your way to some excellent Christmas presents from that guy you're sort of seeing right now.