Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   there wasn't a coronavirus until you mofos started making those brooms stand up by themselves

   So,...about these murder hornets, do you send them a list of names or what? How exactly does it work?

   My fiancee keeps asking, "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really strange way to start a conversation

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had