Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious