Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NEVER EXPECT A WOMAN TO PLAY HER PART, IF YOU STILL HAVE OTHER WOMEN AUDITIONING FOR HER ROLE'

   My wife said she wanted to watch Naked and Afraid. So I got naked and she got afraid. FML.

   I bet the astronauts were bummed when they found out Tang was just something they drank in space...

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.