Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.

   I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'll even remove your duct tape.

   When you go in the ocean to pee, go in past your waist.

   If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.....

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

   Supermoon was OK... But according to Rotten Tomatoes, still way better than Supermoon v Batmoon.

   What if Ghosts try to kill you only because they want you as a friend? You ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   Things Irish people simply won't do on St. Patrick's Day: 1) Drink green beer. 2) Twerk with leprechauns. 3) Spend $40 on dollar store stuff.

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.