Funny Status Messages

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Apple is now valued at 1 trillion dollars which is the same as the Gross Domestic Product of Florida... But that's comparing Apples to Oranges

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   There are two types of people in the world. Please stay away from both of them.

   When it feels like your moral compass always points south.

   In the past few days my Doritos stock started to skyrocket. Thank you California.

   The first rule of Micromanager Club is ... wait I'll just show you

   Ohhhh you’re an alpha male on the Internet. Here. Have a cookie.

   * The older I get the earlier it gets late.

   I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

   Hypocrisy seldom gets the contempt that it deserves

   I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

   Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   My New Years resolution for 2019 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?

   Eating clean means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

   Check to see if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the WIFI.