Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.

   There's a woman on my train whispering her texts as she types them and now we all know that kevin might have herpes.

   This lifelong football fan now has an extra 3 hours to do projects and other tasks like shopping on Sundays from now on.

   When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram

   Facebook is mostly poIitics, pet lovers and dysfunctional insecure model wannabes.

   As I recall, A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

   Lost my pizza cutter. So I used my Bryan Adam's C.D It cuts like a knife

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

   Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled due to the virus. Pass the cupcakes...

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account

   I sleep better naked, why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   Decaf is the handjob of coffee.

   Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.

   I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?