Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be something really scary for Halloween. So, for this year, I'm dressing up as 3% phone battery.

   I'm pretty sure I just heard the lady on the Clorox commercial tell me I can use their product to clean up a murder.

   I'm sure glad there isn't a microphone around to record every thing I say in private.

   My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

   I think I promised to have three beers, and be home by ten. I always get those two mixed up.

   If you want to work for a company that makes moisturiser, the best thing to do is to apply daily.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   I would do anything to be hot, except eat healthy and exercise

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   I don't know why it's necessary to get a glass dirty when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   "My body wasn't designed for this." - me, getting out of bed

   You Only Live Once: So make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet everyday, desperately seeking validation from strangers. After all it's 2016!!!

   I know being single on Valentines Day can suck, but it's so much better than dating some idiot.

   It's a, "I want to fake my own death, move to Mexico & live off of tacos & tequila type of day"....

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.

   Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.