Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ... Seriously .... I really don't know when the giant UFO landed and dumped off all of these stupid people .... But one thing's for sure .... They ain't coming back for them!

   My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   Question -- What night is the swimsuit competition at the DNC?

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit", then yes, I do like Opera.

   "Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday." -Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

   "This is all your fault!" my wife moaned this morning. "What the hell have I done now?" I asked her. "Give me a chance to think," she said, "I've just woke up."

   Love how Disney movies teach you that you can be anyone you want, as long as it's a princess.

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   Welcome to Twitter if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine, one will be assigned to you....

   Kim Kardashian held at gunpoint and made to put her clothes back on.

   All I’m saying is now might be a good time to check the Paris pawn shops for some good deals on jewelry.