Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you'll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   Are we really that bored and stupid as a country that the “Tide Pod Challenge “ is even a thing? Wtf

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its only 30% full? ...Well that's how guys feel about push-up bras

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   I wonder if Batman ever looks up in the night sky at the Bat Signal and says, I told him to just text me.

   FACT : A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   When people hear "Huge Nipples", do they think that includes the areola or just the nipple itself? I'm helping my mom with her Facebook profile.

   Golden Corral has lobster tails for $2.99. That's less than the medicine you'll need to buy from puking your guts out afterwards.

   ... Turns out Corporal Klinger would no longer qualify for a Section 8 Discharge in today's enlightened US Army!

   There is no simple household repair that I can't turn into a visit to the ER.

   "Too big to fail"...."Too big to jail"... same thing

   Wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.