Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't figure out what to get someone for Christmas, get them a gift card! It's like saying, "Here's $20... go get your own damn gift!"

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   My friends over there bet me that I wouldn't talk to the most beautiful woman in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?"

   cigarettes are just like ferrets, perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and set it on fire...

   don't write on your facebook wall so you can comment on it. I write on your wall so you will write back on mine and make me seem more popular. Work with me here.

   I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning. However, I've now lost my job on the emergency sevices desk.

   "I have to cut down on my friends so I may have to delete some of you". you mean I don't have to read your 'ugh its Monday' or 'blah blah hump day' or 'tgif' posts anymore? Well, let me make a preemptive strike on that.

   Show me a person who can be trusted with a laser pointer, and I will show you someone whose soul has died.

   Would you rather be a ginormous hampster or a tiny rhinocerous?

   anyone else as shocked as I am that a relationship between a cage fighter named Tito and the world's most famous porn star ended with domestic assault and accusations of drug abuse?

   it is never too late to be what you might have been.. :D

   ... Wireless world. Defense technology. Alternative fuel vehicles. Computers. Lasers. Animal cloning. Fiber optics. DNA testing. Biometrics. But the dang scanners at Target never work. What's up with that?

   If you must lie about your age, do what I do... tell people you're ninety-seven...they'll think you look freakin great!

   Tonite I feel like drinking until it looks like Jim Joyce made the right call.

   Don't worry, during the Apocalypse the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..

   It's true we don't know what we've got until its gone, but we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

   Time for the daily stare contest between me and my TV

   the awkward moment when an emo orders a happy meal at mcdonalds

   I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

   But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.  -Alice in Wonderland-