Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beginning to question my plans to go yachting with Robert Wagner this weekend.

   Exercising is basically hurting yourself until you build up an immunity to hurting yourself.

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   Maybe fewer big booty ho's at next years Grammy's??

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. “Would you please shut this Kamala Bishop, she Lysol the time.

   To those who truly believes that the burger police will come for you on the forth of july, please don't procreate.

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   Global Warming is a fictional manufactured crisis and a total scam.

   The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won't need to adjust her driving.

   Stress makes you very tired, but it`s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway,

   Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.

   Baby it's Covid outside.

   The least knobby dot, the least knobby dot, the least knobby dot for annual quantum police thee dot… or whatever that Spanish Christmas song is saying.

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"

   Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.