Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   won't break your heart, but I will stunt your growth and limit your potential.

   People who always use analogies are like a mosquito in your sleeping bag.

   wants to thank the people that posted those 'Yeah Favre Retired!' Status's last week. Thanks to you, I now know who NOT to get my NFL updates from."

   I don't think I will ever be mature enough to say ‘make love' without using a funny voice. I usually go with the deep, Spanish accent.

   Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem

   Happy run out and spend money you don't have on things you wouldn't otherwise buy to prove you love someone who if they need things bought for them to prove you love them probably shows they don't truly love you anyway day!

   If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

   At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....

   Dear reply-to-all sender, we obviously have a mutual friend here and even though I've never met you, I hate you already.

   It's a known fact that hopping on one leg after stubbing your toe helps to relieve the pain.

   I thought they put covers on books SO I could judge them.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   The postage is outrageous on these mail order brides!

   Well today was a total waste of makeup.

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

   Did you know oranges can be male or female? If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male and if it's bitter for no reason it's a female.

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.