Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   Everyone told Beethoven he would never be a composer because he was deaf. But did he listen?

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven't taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Which fast food place has the softest napkins? Asking for a friend.

   The person who said "One person can't change the world" obviously never ate an under-cooked bat.

   I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   I just saw the neighbor's kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn't supposed to.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That's ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.