Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rule of thumb when hitting on co-workers... if you're cute, it's flirting. If you're not... it's sexual harrassment.

   When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked

   A good way to save face is to keep the lower half shut.

   I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

   There are two things I do at the ATM - deposit and withdraw. I don't even check my balance, because it's on the receipt. So, for the love of God, can someone please tell me what the douche in front of me has been doing for the past 10 minutes???

   I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

   This guy posted pics of his girl on a forum - I'm not saying she's ugly, it just looks like she dives face first into gravel for a hobby. He mentioned the camera settings were a bit off... I was thinking the best camera setting would've been "off."

   There are 70 ways to make a woman happy. 1 is shopping and then do the rest. If you know what I mean.

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   If I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer recliner.

   Great....you discovered youtube. Now, can you quit flooding the newsfeed with the 200 videos you wish to share!!!

   A North Carolina waitress was fired for complaining on Facebook about a small tip she received. A lesson to all servers who like to post online complaints: write them where they'll never be seen — on MySpace.

   If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

   Baby Lives Matter!

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.

   So .... The DNC Chairiwoman "Debbie Wasserman Schultz" was forced to resign over PROOF of Corruption .... And is IMMEDIATELY Hired by the Hillary Clinton campaign ...... That kinda tells ya something about Hillary doesn't it!!!!

   Fortunatly the end of the world didn't occur today. Sam and Frodo managed to reach Mount Doom and destroy the ring of power. Golemn didn't make it though.

   Some days it's just too hot for pants :)

   Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly .

   It's not officially summer until you start forgetting what day of the week it is.