Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God wisely designed the human body so that we can neither pat our own backs nor kick ourselves too easily.

   No clean cereal bowls? Line a strainer with plastic wrap. Laziness is the father of invention.

   Before I know I'm in for a hellacious night of drinking, I try to plan a few common sense things out ahead of time, like a hotel or a DD or something like that. There's always one variable I forget, though - I'm an invincible moron when I'm drunk.

   ...just heard that Britney told E! that Paris doesn't have a problem with drugs. isn't that like asking Chester Cheetah if the Cookie Monster has a problem with carbs...

   Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.

   Another day of saying stuff I don't mean and thinking stuff I don't say.

   what you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.

   Whew, I wasn't aware pumpkin carving was that much work. Whatever happened to a couple eyes, a nose and a mouth?

   TSA Pat Downs. Stealing the Mile High Club's thunder since 2010.

   Acquaintance: a person I know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to.

   I'd take your message of social upheaval much more seriously if your "Anarchy" patch hadn't been purchased at Hot Topic.

   Eyjafjallajokull is more like a baby typing on a computer than a volcano!

   It is a sad day, "Hundreds of thousands of illegal immigrants that now live in Arizona, may no longer feel welcome." --CBS anchor Katie Couric

   To save time, lets just assume I'm NEVER wrong!

   written what you are reading

   wondering how women on tv desert islands always have perfectly shaved legs & armpits? I mean, there's no chicks in 'Lost' kicking around in mohair stockings...

   Ah...the old "saran wrap over the groundhog hole" trick. Gets'em every time!

   Facebook Commandment IV: Thou shalt not post music videos more than a quantity of 5 within a half-hour period lest you drive thou neighbors to drink.

   Super Bowl Weekend!! Should I wear my shot glasses or beer goggles??

   I feel like a million bucks today! Just wish I had luck finding a bank that will accept self esteem as a form of payment