Funny Status Messages

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.