Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

   Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

   I like my coffee like I like my men Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

   yes I am an embarrassment to my family but I am also an embarrassment to other families

   In other news...the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of six. One of them isn't Happy.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

   Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

   an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

   McDonald's can mess up your order thousands of times, but a small business makes one mistake and unmercifully gets bashed throughout all eternity.

   Direct deposit $1400: me at the dollar tree. Where the $2 stuff at?

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.