Funny Status Messages
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A tub of margarine fell on my foot 3 weeks ago and it still hurts. I can’t believe it’s not better. 
The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.
Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale
You can always tell someone's age by watching them get out of a car.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
We all have faults. It's just that mine are better than yours.
I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
That concludes the Time Travelers Club meeting, see you all last month.
Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh
I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.
I'm glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
How to save money this Halloween. Place an empty bowl out with a sign. Please only take one piece of candy.
I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.
"did I catch you at a bad time?" "yeah, I'm awake and sober"
Alexa, clean up my act!
It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws. 