Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.” 

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.

   IF all women are crazy… Then… You might as well pick a pretty one.

   Every time I get a birthday card with money in it, I pretend not to notice the money and “read” the card.

   If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.

   Coffee , you're on the bench ..... Beer , suit up , you`re on .........

   You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   Most females think they can change a player, but the truth is it's not the player that needs to change, its the girl, because every player is on a mission to find that one female which makes him lose his desire to play.

   When people ask me dumb questions, my doctorate degree in sarcasm requires that I give them a sarcastic answer. What! I took an oath!

   Finally, that rare and elusive Monday we like.

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy. Men have to deal with Women. It's all about balance.

   Ever think somebody taking 2,473 pictures of themselves EVERYDAY and posting it on facebook is a lil overkill?

   I'm creeped out by the Hamburger Helper glove. "Hi, I'm a dismembered hand here to help out with dinner." No thanks.

   When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.

   Falling in love is like falling down when you drunk or high...u dont feel the pain until the magical effect is gone..

   It makes no sense to commit yourself in a relationship if you still expect to have single people's privileges.