Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long..

   That moment when you’re worried about the elderly and realize that you ARE the elderly.

   I’m gonna tell you something right now, tis not the time to have allergies.

   when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

   Maybe if I develop feelings for Covid 19 it will leave.

   The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

   2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.

   I don't know how you ladies can pluck your eyebrows out.. I just pulled a stray moustache hair and cried like a little girl

   Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

   Me 9am, "I think I'll make roasted chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner."... Me 5pm, "Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery..."

   As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.

   Protesters should step their game up and start blocking railroad crossings.

   So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   My Wife says I talk while I sleep..........but I'm skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember me in your Prayers like you do in your Gossips.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.