Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.

   I saved my husband's life insurance company $500,000 dollars by switching to xanax.

   Now that I've gotten older, I've come to realize why Bigfoot stays away from people.

   I think people on the road nowadays must know that I have psychic abilities able to read they're minds, especially when they don't use their blinkers.

   My boss asked me who was stupid, me or him. I told him that we all know he doesn't employ stupid people.

   I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my keys, pen, cell phone, my temper, even my mind.

   Just so we're clear, the Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

   Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a constant whining noise. They removed my wife from the car and it's been quiet ever since.

   Work is like a browser: 20 tabs open, 5 frozen, and you have no idea where the music is coming from.

   Do to budget cuts at Al Qaeda, They will be Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins...

   It's beginning to look a lot like I'm going to have to go on a diet after Christmas.

   I dont like my eyes, they show me things I dont want to see.

   I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

   Gary's tips for the holidays: 1. Forget the past. You can't change it. 2. Forget the present. I didn't get you one.

   Walmart is giving away free Christmas decorations as long as you can outrun security.

   I had a babysitter and she didnt watch me and I stick a pencil up my nose

   I'm thinking about taking up Meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

   Weed smoking and turkey pulling today. Oops…reverse those verbs. Sorry

   Burger King has debuted its bacon sundae. It comes with whipped cream and a note that says "Do not resuscitate."

   Whoever is controlling me at this game sucks ...