Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

   How can you tell if someone plays the bagpipes well?

   I think the wife has started to show signs of Alzheimers. She said she can't remember what she ever saw in me !

   2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong.

   Instead of phasing out fossil fuels, let's phase out the fossils in Congress.

   Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   That one sounded like a dirt bike with a bad muffler.

   Maybe they could add a little pop-up saying "Are you sure? This action cannot be undone" before sending an important message like NUCLEAR MISSILE ALERT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   So it is being reported that a Extensive Porn Stash was found in Bin Ladens compound. So this the "Treasure Trove" they spoke of!

   A Lysol commercial just told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most.....uh oh, I think this is gonna burn....

   Women say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my McDonalds outfit none of them will even talk to me.

   They say you can't outrun a charging bear. But really you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun whoever you're with. That's why I only camp with slow people.

   the answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not....Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

   I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

   Lol @ the dude buying condoms and getting his card declined. He just got c**k blocked by Visa.

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?