Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Then: Teenage girls kept a private diary and got upset if anyone read it. Now: They reveal everything on Facebook and get upset if no one reads it.

   People who confuse the word "burro" with "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   I googled my symptoms into Web Md. Turns out I have Gary Busey .

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet

   I feel like I'm watching a tv show called "Lockdown Got Talent" because this lockdown has people thinking they're gym instructors, chefs, dancers, etc...

   Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

   I feel like everybody judges me when I say Worcestershire sauce...

   United Airlines... You Might get to fly and it shows.

   Good thing that doctor wasn't wearing leggings, too.

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.

   No I won't go fund you. I can't even go fund myself.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.