Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe when God was creating the centipede he fell asleep with his elbow on the Leg button

   What am I supposed to do with all this coal?

   This bird flu thing is still pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet.

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   Pringles chips tubes need to be more like push pops we have the technology

   My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

   IS: We are reluctantly laying off all suicide bombers , due to insufficient crowd sizes.

   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe

   Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

   Remember when eating tide pods was considered crazy

   I read somewhere that people in the Middle Ages celebrated the end of the plague with orgies. I wonder if anyone has planned anything after this epidemic?

   Time to take off you Hoser. God speed Bob and Doug Mckenzie

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Reverse cowgirl, cause eye contact is extra.

   I wish they would stop making things out of unicorns, , those things are already almost extinct

   n’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and another that’s like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil"

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   If I ever get stranded on a Dessert Island, I hope it’s a Cherry Cheesecake.

   Dear History Channel: I remember when you used to have stuff about History. -MTV

   I've decided to invest in fine art. I don't really know much about art though; I'm just in it for the Monet.