Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmill, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago

   Want to entertain the kids? Play a game of Duct Duct Tape.

   DUI of the Tiger

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they’re all panicked over who’s getting the ax.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   [Knock on the door] Police: Police! Open up! Me: What do you want? Police: We just want to talk. Me: How many of you are there? Police: Two. Me: Then talk to each other.

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   Don't wait for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make it perfect. Have a great day. :)

   Pepsi is now pulling its sponsorship of the Miami Dolphins, after hearing they prefer Coke!

   It's so cold, tonight I got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches...

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

   My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

   Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.