Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

   Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

   News flash for Jack and Jill: You don't go uphill to find water.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   Recently I've been reading the book of Jeremiah, because not only was he a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine as well.

   I've decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing. I really think it will spice up my autobiography.

   a free button called Block/Unfriend and Delete.... trust me those things can work miracles when it comes to dealing with drama on Fb

   If I were taller, I'd be the perfect weight. By taller, I mean 8' 11"

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger… at least one of them anyway.

   I call my bedroom ‘the place where the magic happens’ because it’s where I make my self-respect disappear.

   Wife giving you the silent treatment? Just tighten all the jar lids. That way she'll HAVE to talk to you.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   College kids please choose a career in something you love and you'll never work a day in your life, because that dream job isn't hiring....

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.