Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier. They're on me. Enjoy!

   had a dream that this woman was trying to kill me with a butcher knife...which makes me think the woman of my dreams is not someone I should be looking for.

   If I had a nickel for everytime someone asked if I was bad at math, I'd have 62 cents.

   shocked that Facebook is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people.

   im a fan of the tube top, but even tires have pressure limits....

   Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   bad in all the good ways.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

   wondering if he's the only one who hears the theme to Get Smart when he walks down long hallways.

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   You know you are a sidechick when he got you saved under a dude's name in his phone.

   I don't know which changes more often, facebook or a womens personality?

   Yelling "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? PULL UP YOUR PANTS!", just as your boss ends a teleconference is a fun prank but you can only do it once per job

   I wanna have a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted.

   They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.

   Serial killers rarely answer questions like, “Who's There?”

   "If you want to fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down!"

   Intelligence is like underwear: It's important to have it, but you don't have to show it off...