Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again

   I wonder if Santa Clause is going to have to wear a mask this year....

   Guestroom Ceiling Fan Levels: 1) barely moving 2) maybe faster 3) God spake unto Job from the whirlwind

   “Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

   I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

   I do less before 9AM than most people don't do all day.

   “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

   Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

   My entire work day has just been me moving the mouse so the screen doesn’t go to sleep.

   Don't come to me for advice. We'll just end up at the liquor store...

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   Pesto could be magical if only it had an R in it

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

   My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

   As of yesterday it is illegal to eat road kill in Montana. "Road kill" is such an ugly phrase. I prefer the term "vehicularly harvested."

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I’m out of beer.

   Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.

   My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

   Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?