Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...

   Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   Playboy to replace nudes with photos of Hugh Hefner's nurse feeding him soup.

   Extra hour of sleep this weekend. I mean, unless you're a parent. Then it's just like, more morning.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.

   I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.