Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Don't make me fall in love with your aloof disregard for my existence

   All middle seats on airlines should be filled with dogs. Period.

   My dog got excited and bit my hand so I had to bite him back and pee on him to reestablish dominance... Hey, I don't make the rules.

   Yesterday a barber was arrested in Victorville for selling drugs. That's crazy, I've been his customer for years and had no idea he knew how to cut hair.

   Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.

   The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.

   The expression "don;t leave me hanging here" was coined by Jesus of Nazareth on this day over 2000 years ago.

   Jared Kushner gained the President's trust by banging the hottest chick the President knows.

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.

   UNITED: We love to fight,,, and it shows. ..

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They're called Nuns 'n' Moses.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Daddy has a really, really big bomb.