Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pizza Guy: "Louie's Pizza. May I take your order? Me: "Is the owl there?" Pizza Guy: "Who, who?" Me: "Lol, that never gets old. Gimme a large all the way."

   "When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN

   QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!

   Lets bring back Chuk Noris!!! And get rid of Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, Half man half woman former Kardashian husband now turned a woman who still likes women, Kardashians, Snookie, etc....

   The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.

   Take the number of letters in your last name and divide that by your pin number. What answer did you get? That's correct.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   I’ve been chatting online with a 14-year-old girl. Really flirty and sexy. Then she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that for someone her age?

   I'm so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"

   Hug her from behind but keep an eye out for her husband.

   I'm in a Domestic Partnership with myself. One hand vacuums while the other one dusts.

   Remember to leave a Budweiser and a rifle out under you America tree tonight for Kid Rock or he won't leave you any fireworks

   Don't forget to proudly wave our American flags made in China today..

   The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   The only problem with Chris Christie closing the beach to everyone but himself... Not enough people there to push him back into the water.

   The only reason Christie was caught was that some environmentalists were in the area and thought they saw a beached whale.

   So you wanna celebrate tyhe Fourth of July? Start a Revolution!

   There's a big difference between a girl and a guy using a whole box of kleenex while watching a movie...

   we shoot off Chinese fireworks to celebrate our freedom from the British