Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.
←Rate | 06-08-2017 08:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.
←Rate | 06-08-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."
←Rate | 06-08-2017 07:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML
←Rate | 06-08-2017 07:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....
←Rate | 06-07-2017 20:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"
←Rate | 06-07-2017 17:43 by Eddy Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them
←Rate | 06-07-2017 10:28 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!
←Rate | 06-07-2017 07:43 by Zumba Di Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 20:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 09:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 08:25 Comments (1)  


   messageicon ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming
←Rate | 06-06-2017 06:48 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.
←Rate | 06-06-2017 02:16 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 19:29 by Cicci Comments (0)  


   messageicon Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 17:49 Comments (6)  


   messageicon I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 16:18 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.
←Rate | 06-05-2017 16:18 by Bob Sacamano Comments (0)  




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