Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the snot out of it.

   What has red hair, big feet, and lives in a test tube? Bozo the Clone.

   I'm pretty sure that if I shot the sheriff, I would also shoot the deputy because at that point why the heck not?

   Blonde girl tells her Blonde friend. I just f cked a " Brazilian " guy. She said " You Slut! How many is a Brazilian!?"

   Watching Comey testify was like watching Geraldo Rivera busting into Capone's vault....lots of media hype for nothing!

   I thought a skunk would be faster considering the racing stripes and all.... *continues to unload tomato soup cans at check out

   I didn't say I was good in bed; I said I'm good, in bed.

   Wen I say "ladies first" to a girl I just wanna look at her ass. The point is I never say "ladies first" to skinny assless girls.

   If life had a reset button. Mine would probably be worn off due to over pressing it.

   Strangers have the best candy..

   Except for a lawful euthanization, the malicious killing of a dog or a horse should prosecuted as a homicide.

   People are like cutlery. Women want to spoon and men want to fork.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I had my GF wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for some role playing. She got my name wrong during thr sex. FML

   Bars are opening early Thursday. Russian vodka shots 1/2 price....

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   Tupperware...how about TupperWHERE IS THE FRIGGIN LID!

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."