Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   If you think sleeping with your wife’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   I'm going to start a non-profit organization to promote the legalization of marijuana. It will be called the March of Dimebags.

   Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

   Are you auditioning to be a FOX News host, or do you just enjoy being an uninformed, reality-challenged halfwit?

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   A cop pulled me over and was going to give me a ticket for talking on the phone and driving. I told him he couldn't do that because it was my wife and I was just listening.

   Windows updates are the number one reason the economy’s suffering.

   I'm too tired to order anything for dinner so I guess I'll starve

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   Let's be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked

   I have nothing to update. I'm just making it look like I'm doing something at a party so people won't talk to me.

   How many times does you know that we only have certain things in because you are not doing only what he wanted for who did you think about the twelve sheep in my yard are eating the boots inside out they need.

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...