Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 891 of 6446

"Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill
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10-17-2017 09:03
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Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom
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10-17-2017 07:05
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My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
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10-17-2017 07:05
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This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards
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10-17-2017 07:04
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Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.
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10-16-2017 23:08
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Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...
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10-16-2017 19:21
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My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.
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10-16-2017 18:08 by Jake
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Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.
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10-16-2017 09:45
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You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.
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10-16-2017 08:23
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The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.
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10-16-2017 02:49
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[first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*
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10-16-2017 02:43
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Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.
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10-15-2017 00:37 by markf
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I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.
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10-15-2017 00:34
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I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.
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10-15-2017 00:19 by markf
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If there are three ducks on a pond and you shoot one how many would be left on the pond? None. The other two would fly away after hearing the gun shot.
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10-14-2017 22:23 by Jake
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Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.

Sister ask her brother: Am I pretty or ugly? Brother: Your both. Sister: What do you mean? Brother: Your pretty ugly.
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10-13-2017 22:32 by Jake
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I know what you did last Friday the 13th.
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10-13-2017 18:44 by Broski
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