Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a reason it's called "Girls Gone Wild" and not "Women Gone Wild". When girls go wild, they show their boobs because they want money. When women go wild, they kill men for insurance policies.

   Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.

   Uni-Ball pens missed one hell of an endorsement opportunity with Lance Armstrong.

   Trump has decided to withdraw from the Paris Agreement and the English language.

   I hate when I'm watching porn and my mom walks in. what is my mom doing in this p0rn?

   DUI of the Tiger

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   I stand with Tiger Woods, he obviously needs help standing.

   The IKEA #Covfefe organizer clips onto the lid of the toilet seat and holds a cell phone, diet Pepsi, and a plate of .

   Whoever has voodoo doll of me, please have me clean the house and then recline me on the couch.

   I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My arraignment is next Tuesday.

   There is nothing worse than a kid with a toy that makes noise.

   Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.

   Do bankruptcy lawyers really expect to be paid?

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.