Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw my auto insurance agent use a calculator to calculate 2017-2013 to show me it's been 4 years......... time for a new insurance company. 😅

   For those of you that think that Jimmy Kimmel is a champion of women’s rights feel free to watch some “Man Show” reruns

   We say we don't want Mexicans to take jobs away from us. Do we really want a job to clean up and shovel crap around???

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   "Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities." ~ Winston Churchill

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   Love when I tell a cat owner I'm allergic and they look at me like I just confessed to a series of truck stop homicides.

   Its true, Alcohol kills people. But on the bright side, if it wasn't for alcohol half my friend probably would have never been born.

   Kaepernick has to keep coming up with reasons to stay relevant since he sucks at qb...

   My wife is so fat, she eats a snack between snacks.

   Any girls that are jealous they can't get in on this, "Me too" craze sweeping Social media today, hmu. I think I can help you out

   I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days gang up on me all at once.

   You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.

   The Internet reveals more devils than vast hell can hold.

   [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*

   Someone just told me to take it one day at a time. I wish I had known there was another option.

   I owe you an apology. And on a related note, a cat.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.