Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 884 of 6383
With the rise in self-driving vehicles, eventually there will a Country and Western song about your truck leaving you too.
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06-23-2017 08:45
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My wife said if I don't get off this damn computer in 5 sec she is gonna smash my head on the keyboard lol I think she is just kidgidudckglblgtieeussyupjfufivi
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06-23-2017 08:30
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if you shave off your arm hair and it grows
back to the exact same length, does that mean its
twice as long as it was?
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06-23-2017 07:24 by bob
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After all these years I finally figured out that that last little piece of soap is more trouble than it's worth.
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06-22-2017 14:14
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I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.
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06-22-2017 08:27
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I have now survived 21,364 days and13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale. thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.
If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diahrea,does that mean 1 enjoys it?
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06-21-2017 11:30
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The most expensive special election in Georgia history is over. The Republicans are laughing their Ossoff.
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06-21-2017 08:14
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Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
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06-21-2017 07:31
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I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.
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06-21-2017 07:30
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I'm in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don't really have Tourette's.
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06-21-2017 07:29
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Ever pee in the middle of the night with seat cover down.. 1st for everything :' D
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06-21-2017 00:57 by Anonymous
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if I had a time machine id just keep going back to sleep
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06-20-2017 14:40
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It's so hot outside that I almost called ex so I can be around someone shady.
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06-20-2017 14:29
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Nearly 7K people die every day in the US alone. If you aren't one of them, thank your God, STFU and keep grinding!
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06-20-2017 12:32
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If someone says they’re gonna open up a can of whoop-ass, that means there is somebody out there putting whoop-ass into a can. I’d be more afraid of that second guy.
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06-20-2017 08:51
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The only thing worse than being stuck behind someone driving less than the speed limit is being the passenger of someone driving less than the speed limit.
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06-20-2017 05:25 by bob
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Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
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06-20-2017 00:56 by Noshoes
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Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.
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06-19-2017 17:49
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Ahhh, the sound of silence on Twitter. I thought I'd never see the day.
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06-19-2017 17:49
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