Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today only: PetSmart is giving away free canaries with no perches necessary.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Just been to the gym for the 5th time in a week, and people are saying things like "well done!", "that's so impressive!", and "you can't come in here just to use the vending machine

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   When you’re only 14 and you have no friends. This is what you do?

   Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   Gonorrhea would have been a good name for a diarrhea medicine... #DeepThoughts

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. Will somebody please shut that Hillary Bishop. She Lysol the time.

   You know it was a rough night when your iPhone X doesn't recognize your face in the morning...

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

   On this Thanksgiving I am thankful to all of your post that make me look funny on Facebook.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   [Watching Porn] How is there not lipstick everywhere?!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   Please buy my new book: Losing weight while staying drunk.

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Chuck Schumer just released a new book, it's called; "How to Be a Giant Jack A$$"

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....