Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Claustrophobic : A person afraid of Santa Claus

   You can’t play it safe and have fun; but with fun, there comes a price.

   When you’re only 14 and you have no friends. This is what you do?

   Santa Claus is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

   Gonorrhea would have been a good name for a diarrhea medicine... #DeepThoughts

   Mexican words of the day: Bishop and Lysol. Will somebody please shut that Hillary Bishop. She Lysol the time.

   You know it was a rough night when your iPhone X doesn't recognize your face in the morning...

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

   On this Thanksgiving I am thankful to all of your post that make me look funny on Facebook.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   [Watching Porn] How is there not lipstick everywhere?!

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample each other for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   Please buy my new book: Losing weight while staying drunk.

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Chuck Schumer just released a new book, it's called; "How to Be a Giant Jack A$$"

   An untalented gymnast walks into a bar....

   BREAKING: NINTH CIRCUIT COURT OF APPEALS OVERTURNS TRUMP'S TURKEY PARDONS.

   The sales of sexbots have been skyrocketing. I wonder if they make an underage one? That's gonna be the hot seller among Hollywood and Democrats.

   Pro tip: Use Shazam in your Uber to blow your drivers mind with your knowledge of their obscure immigrant music.