Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   The sum of the cabbage is directly proportional to the square root of the carrot divided by the mayo. That's Cole's Law.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   The eclipse was ok but when are we going to get swarms of locusts?

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   I am tired of being judged by my color by people who complain of being judged by theirs

   As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.

   Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   I just bought a JVC LCD 4K 3D UHD TV. The rest of the alphabet was out of stock.

   Sorry I yelled "Finish Him" at your wedding last Saturday

   How many coworkers have to ask you "what's that pee smell" before you admit you're wearing a new cologne?

   This morning I phoned in to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act. It was an automated phone system which said: 'Press 1 for the money / 2 for the show'

   A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

   The country is going down for the simple fact that some people really hate Trump. Let that sink in

   Heard O.J. is gonna give another stab at marriage...

   For sale solar glasses only used once. Paid $ 1.25 I would like to get $1.00 for them.

   New York: We just had a storm with 50 mph winds. Oklahoma: Hold my beer...

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.