Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I text I use the word duck a lot. Mainly because auto-correct is a ditch.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   "You the bomb" "No, you the bomb" - A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east.

   My cooking is so good even my smoke alarm comments on it.

   What goes up must come down. Except maybe for crawling underwear.

   There are no Walmart stores in Syria, only Targets.

   How many tweets does it take to get to the center of attention?

   Teenagers hanging out sober act like adults drunk.

   How did cavemen meet women? They went clubbing.

   Women are like roads. The more curves they have the more dangerous they are.

   There are 361 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. This is getting ridiculous.

   During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.

   That one sounded like a un-oiled door opening slowly.

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   I was told I would understand when I got older. Well, I'm older and still don't understand...

   Lefties eat yellow snow on Winter Solstice.

   On Dasher, on Dancer, on Master Card and Visa.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.

   I must be getting old. Since when does 2 to 4 inches of snow become a winter storm warning? Back when I was a kid, we just called flurries, and we complained it wasn't enough to even have a good snowball fight, let along close schools.

   This is the first good sized snow fall of the season and honestly the weather on TV is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a two.