Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   I’m really confused as to why Kim & Kanye named their newborn “Chicago West” when Kanye is from the South Side of Chicago.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   Why are all these women protesting, shouldn't they be at home cooking?

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   If undercover boss came to my work I'd play stupid and give them the biggest sob story too and bank

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills

   If a woman is crying and you don't understand why - congratulations! you're a Man now

   When a Woman tells you "you're so cute" instead of "You're Hot," it means you are Not all that and you can just get entry to Friend zone

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too

   A gambling addiction can cost you your marriage or win you a divorce

   All houses made out of wood are tree houses.

   Unless he releases a men’s fragrance, I think Elon Musk should be ordered to legally change his name.