Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mathias Bachmeier is proof that the US police force isn't perfect.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   If you have a bladder infection, "urine" trouble.

   Yes, your smart devices can talk to each other now and they are giggling about you behind your back.

   if I ever do remarry I am going to find one of those government agents who can't talk about what they do all day.

   Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   I’m really confused as to why Kim & Kanye named their newborn “Chicago West” when Kanye is from the South Side of Chicago.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   Society is going to judge you anyway, so do what makes you happy.

   Why are all these women protesting, shouldn't they be at home cooking?

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   If undercover boss came to my work I'd play stupid and give them the biggest sob story too and bank

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Gov't shutdown? Yippee! I'm collecting rainwater for my garden before they reopen and fine me!!

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from KFC for making this post possible!

   My ex told me to get some of those tablets that should help me get an erection.........should have seen her face when I tossed her the slimming pills