Funny Status Messages

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   Looks like those tariffs will finish off the family dairy farm once and for all. Too much winning!

   I wonder, what would Trump do without FOX News?

   s there ANYONE out there that when they see or hear the name 'Aaron' they don't say out-loud or at least think A-Aron?

   West Virginia is just Virginia's white suburb...

   Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.

   my boss: you're fired [pauses porn] why

   “I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting

   Why isn't anyone at this beach lowering their sunglasses to check me out?

   If you call your parents by their first names, we can’t be friend.

   A movie about dating a person in their 20s would be called 2 Fast 2 Curious.

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Dating in your 20s: I love you so much. Let's get married! 30s: We get along pretty well. We should live together? 40s: I guess you can stay the night but don't touch my damn stuff.

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

   In a galaxy 40 billion light years away some alien dude is saying, “but I’m not like the other guys,” while an alien lady rolls all 37 of her eyes.

   Alert and sober is no way to go through life.

   People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.