Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'

   If change is good, exact change is even better.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Now, Jose won't take away the toilet scrubbing job away from me.

   OK. So Donald Duck never wore pants, but when he steps out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   the dentist says I need a crown. I'm like "I know, right? "

   The secret to a happy marriage.... Jack Daniels on the rocks

   Why do baby clothes have pockets ?

   Guys the secret to a happy marriage...... "Honey, you're absolutely right."

   Untill I got married, I never knew there was a wrong way to put the milk back into the fridge.

   . just like Ty-D-Bol, the blue wave will wash all the crap away.

   I told someone that Kansas was dead to me. His reply was 'did it drop another house on your sister'?

   I went to Disneyland once. It seemed like kind of a Mickey Mouse operation.

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.

   Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.