life Funny Status Messages

   I found my true calling in life. Laziness.

   I drink a shot of whiskey a day to toast good life & fortune and then the rest of the bottle because I like being drunk.

   Forget ghosts, forget snakes, forget spiders, forget aliens, forget monsters, forget zombies, The real danger to a human life is often posed by another human. Evil walks among us in human form everyday. We are just too blind to see it sometimes.

   Life is about kicking ass, not kissing it.

   sometimes my life feels like a 40 year long episode of Punk'd...

   was wondering if anybody wants to come over and practice the lift from Dirty Dancing because my cat is soooooo not having it right now. Needless to say she did not "have the time of her life" and she owes it all to me.

   I tried to be normal once. Worst sex I've ever had in my life.

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   Everyone is always talking about "getting high on Life" but this cereal sucks and it hurts my nose..

   Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.

   went to a carnival trying to win an X-box Kinect and the next thing he knew , he'd lost his entire life savings and all he had to show for it was a giant banana with dreadlocks.

   Life is weird. You can go from being strangers. To being friends. To being more than friends. To being pratically strangers again.

   If life is a b*tch then make sure yours is a good looking one!

   I wanna be the reason you lose sleep at night, call in "sick" to work the next day, and then question your morals for the rest of your life.

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   My life feels like I'm constantly waiting while it's buffering

   Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan....

   If you want to worship someone who was tortured, killed, then came back to life, I'd say Wile E. Coyote should be it. He's the one who REALLY took one for the team.