Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said I can't have a flamethrower for Christmas.

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   The best credit card rewards program is to avoid credit card debt.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   If you see me drinking "coffee" from a insulated tumbler in public, then you don't know me very well.

   Every time I play NBA2k, I’m deeply offended there are no short players with minimal basketball skills. How could I not be represented in a game that has nothing to do with my life?

   The difference between curry and a candle. A candle only burns at one end.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet. My 4 y/o: I don't have any other feet.

   I’m Southern, but not monogram my vibrator, Southern.

   Don't tell me what type of pill it is. I like to be surprised.

   1f y0u c4n r34d 7H15 7h3n c0n6r47ul4710n5! Y0u h4v3 D3pr35510n

   When I was a kid I used to have an imaginary friend, but now thanks to Facebook I have hundreds of them!

   Dear future musicians of the world. Just because you can push a button with a drum sound does NOT make you a musician. People used to actually play their instruments.

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.

   By my calculations, the entire national debt could be retired, if the impeachment trial was Pay-Per-View. 🧐

   If you touch your phone in all the right places a pizza will arrive at your door.

   In China, an animal trainer taught his monkeys Kung fu — and then they attacked him using his best kung fu moves. Luckily, they were no match for the parrot he’d taught to fire a gun.

   Crap, I bought a non-shtick pan. Now it does not like my jokes.

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.