Funny Status Messages

   Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.

   I'm very curious to see how many people still believe Trump when Trump said that past presidents told him that they wanted to build a wall, when the past four living presidents publicly announced that they never said no such thing to him.

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.