Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.

   All conspiracy theories are based on the premise that the government is extremely clever. But most of the time the government is actually extremely stupid.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   Having babies is the solution to all of the world's problem? Sigh.

   If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

   The people who doesn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 are the same people who wears tin foil hats, thinking almost everything a is a conspiracy orchestrated by someone with nothing to do.

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   What goes up,must come down. If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .