Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What kind of psycho wears pants in their own home?

   The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

   Rain rain go away so I don't waste all my time staring at Facebook all day.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   Wish every project I start was as easily finished as in the how to videos.

   I drank a six pack of Chinese beer earlier, ...now the room smells like fireworks.

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

   I want to go big AND go home.

   Life is like a box of chocolates you never know which one you going to get, if you can't follow directions and just look at the little chart on the back of the box.

   I'm so old that my family tree starts with me.

   OK. What genius decided to call it a Corn Dog and not a Meat Twinkie?

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

   Yes, I'm a chick magnet. The problem is, I'm the side that repels. FML.

   If you have time to golf during a national emergency, I guess you must be doing something right.

   The best sign of a intimate relationship are no pictures of it on Facebook.

   Can you get fired for wearing leather pants to work?

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   Want to meet eligible singles in your area? Then mill around the Valentine candy clearance aisle.